After 12 weeks and 2 days of maternity leave, I have officially returned to the work force! Today was my first day back at work and boy has it been interesting. I have been dreading this day since I started my leave and getting out of the house this morning was so difficult. Little Z definitely loves his mommy and for the past 12 weeks I've been there to feed him whenever he was hungry, comfort him whenever he was upset and hold and cuddle him as much as he needed. I've watched as his eyes search for me when I move just out of sight and I've heard how he cries inconsolibly when I leave the room and he needs me (even if it's just for me to hold him). Given all of this, I'm sure you can imagine that today was a difficult day for us.
Everything this morning when exactly as planned - I fed Little Z at 5:30, got up at 6, took the dog for a couple mile walk/jog, showered, got ready then fed Little Z again around 7:30 before I left. Our feeding this morning was so special. I tried to memorize his face as I gazed into his eyes while he eat. I tried to burn the image of his eyes staring so lovingly back at me, and as I held his tiny hand I tried to imprint the feeling of him gripping me so tightly. Leaving him this morning was one of the hardest things I've done and I had tears in my eyes as I walked out the door. I was so concerned about him - what would he do when he realized mommy wasn't home? Would he have enough milk? Would Eric be able to calm him when he was fussy?
At the office, everything went smoothly. I spent most of the day catching on admin and HR things with a couple meetings interspersed throughout the day. Pumping hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be and it's been kind of nice to have those 15 minute breaks throughout the day to look forward to. I only called home twice - once after my mid morning pumping session and once after my lunch pumping session. It sounded like Zaiden was doing pretty well - no inconsolible crying or fussiness and there definitely was enough milk. Plus it seems like what I've been expressing is totally in line with what he's been eating all day. So now, with just 1 more hour left in my work day, I have to say I think it was a success.
I am so happy that I am only working part-time now. I think it's going to be the perfect balance of work and family. I think it will help me focus on work while I'm at work and our family when I'm at home and it will help me appreciate and enjoy both more. I think I'm going to value my time with Eric and Zaiden even more than I already did, and I already am gaining an appreciation for being at work and reading things other than Are You My Mother?, That's Not My Puppy, and the Ocean Alphabet Book (all of which I can recite from memory now:P). I'm also very excited about being able to eat on a regular schedule, send emails from my computer and use 2 hands for most of my activities. It's pretty exciting stuff after not being able to do any of that for 12 weeks. On the other hand, I do miss the huge smiles my little man gives me all day and how just hearing my voice makes him beam. I am just so thankful that Eric is able to be home with him all summer. He is such an amazing father and I feel so much better knowing that Little Z is still getting the love and attention he needs. I'm also glad Eric is staying at home with him because I think it will give him a new perspective on the things I've done since Little Z was born. Eric definitely appreciates all the work that I've done taking care of our little guy, but I don't think he fully got how frustrating and exhausting it can be to be the sole person that can feed and effectively comfort your child. Little Z definitely knows and loves his daddy, but he is dependent upon me in a very different way. It's an amazing responsibility, but it can also get to be very draining and I'm not sure it's something that he or anyone else can fully understand unless they are exclusively breastfeeding on demand. I totally believe that it is the best thing for our son and I'm happy to do it, but it is very confining and limiting and since not many people do this any more, there are a very few people that can relate to the feelings that you have in that particular situation.
OK - enoiugh babbling for now! Time to finish up the work day and head home to see my very awesome family:) I promise I'll be posting more often now, so check back for more updates. We're hoping to get some videos uploaded on here soon as well so y'all can see some of our adventures from the past 12 weeks!
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